Superman, Wolverine, the Hulk and even Spiderman under all scrutiny and spandex have the ability to possess and use “super powers”. However, there is an even more select list of Super Heroes that leave most of us just “super” confused. From fiery farts to semi-invisibility this list is a compilation of the Super Hero black sheep that remain the butt of all jokes. Even Bruce Wayne’s ability to be “super” rich pushes him into the Super Hero category over this list of lames that earn the Top 5: Worst Super Hero Powers.
Don’t worry loyal old school comic book fans, against my better judgment I left out your beloved Aquaman. Although, if next week brings about a Worst Super Hero Costume list, he might make the cut.
1. The Spleen
The 1999 film “Mystery Men” brought about a cast of average-joes with aspirations to fight crime with one major thing missing…skills. Starring Ben Stiller as “Mr. Furious” who had the ability to ultimately lose his temper in a fit of rage and Hank Azaria as ” Blue Raja” who almost” ninja like” hurled dinnerware at criminals, were the most “super” of the entire group. The Spleen played by Pau Rubens (yes Pee Wee Herman and no that’s not the worst part) had the unfortunate ability to fire toxic fumes and dangerous gases in the form of flatulence aka farts. When aimed in the proper direction and not self detrimental, The Spleen used his… power as a weapon of “ass” destruction to render enemies unconscious for the good of the team.
“I am HE who smelt it and for ever more will be HE who dealt it!” – The Spleen
2. Nitro (DC Comics)
Infamous villain Nitro of DC comics is known by his fans for bringing down Captain Marvel and later causing the Marvel Civil War. Created in 1974, Robert Hunter aka Nitro, was an electrical engineer when a series of genetic alteration brought on by villain Kree caused him to possess the awesome ability to “self-destruct” and reform himself. Exposing Captain Marvel to carcinogenic nerve gas that lead to his eventual cancer and later his demise sparked his fury to seek revenge on Kree launching him to top of the Most Wanted list.
However, I forgot to mention that if he is unable to fully reform himself, he will no longer be able to explode rendering him even more utterly useless. The famous DC villains and heroes alike agree that as fun as it is to see him explode in self defeat, he could easily be replaced by an inanimate box of explosives ending in the same disappointing outcome.
3. Invisible Boy…Kinda
Back to the not so super band of idiots in “Mystery Men” that had full intentions of being a joking underdog story of wanna-be Super Heroes that did not escape disappointing humility. The Invisible Boy played by Kel Mitchell (the skinny one from Kennan and Kel) was the shy neighborhood kid that caught the attention and eventual recruitment from the Mystery Men for his self proclaimed ability to turn invisible. With further explanation of a talent that need no explanation, it turns out the Invisible Boy can only turn invisible when no one is looking. Taking a back seat in most street fights and dialogue filled scenes, Kel does redeem himself in the end by actually turning invisible coincidentally leading the Mystery Men to victory.
“I’m invisible…can you see me?”– The Invisible Boy
4. Goldstar (DC Comics)
DC Comics has had such a long illustrious presence in the comic and nerd community that since their start in 1934 were bound to have a few creative mishaps among their road Super Hero greatness. Among three Super Heroes in the DC Universe with the identical name, Goldstar, its clear that a one out of three ratio using the name had to be crap. Alias Ernest Widdle from the planet Harmony comes stocked full of super powers most fierce, the ability to use his good morals to spread “niceness”. Yes, the creative minds at DC who has brought monumental Super Heroes created the Richard Simmons of the DC Universe. Expected to be the sworn enemy of DC villain Lobo who is the anti- Goldstar in the form of an intergalactic mercenary bounty hunter. A smile is crucial for first impressions, just not defending the world from looming death and destruction.
5. Mr. Fantastic (Marvel Comics)
Reed Richards aka Mr. Fantastic is regarded as one of the most intelligent comic book characters in existence possessing vast amounts of knowledge about mechanics, aerospace, electrical engineering, chemistry, physics and everything in between. Now that is “super” in its self, however, he’s also elastic. Fully functional malleability and shape shifting makes him nearly immune to any form of puncture wounds (shooting,stabbing,etc) yet still earns him the label of a walking rubber band. Reed leads the renowned Fantastic Four along side The Thing, the Human Torch and the Invisible Woman who all possess way superior powers and looks. Battling it out against Doctor Doom for much of his existence proves the point that maybe that genius intellect should be more utilized as Dr. Richards than Mr. Elastic… I mean Fantastic.
Honorable Mention:
Red Bee
Another DC Comics blunder, the Red Bee name has been used twice throughout the DC universe and of the two is most strongly displayed by a woman. Jenna Raleigh as Red Bee is comprised of a mechanic suit rendering her flight and augmented strength and is accompanied by two large robotic bees that generate powerful electronic blasts. However, this is not the Red Bee worthy of this list. Richard Raleigh the great uncle of Jenna was the original Red Bee armed with a “stinger gun” that releases trained bees on hopefully allergic enemies. His favorite bee Michael who he keeps in his belt buckle for special uses only really underlines the notion that the original Red Bee is mostly “super” useless and “super” creepy.
